The Switch

Don't you wish better for Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman. Bateman was part of one of the funniest shows of the new millennium, (the OO’s what do you call the last decade) and because it got so mishandled by FOX it never got the notoriety it deserved while on the air. It has since taken on a cult like following with die-hard fans. The former Friends star has been followed around non-stop about her private life and never seems to catch a break with it. Both have been given many chances to helm a movie, but neither has been able to make it something special. Unfortunately this is nothing different.

Much like years of the past with competing studios coming out with movies with similar themes ala Antz and A Bug's Life, Dante's Peak and Volcano, and Armageddon and Deep Impact this year is all about artificial insemination. Hopefully the Jennifer Lopez version will soon be forgotten while no one will take notice of The Kids Are Alright until awards season (maybe).

This movie features Aniston as a woman who is tired of waiting for the right man, a stretch. She has decided to find a donor and get on with that part of the life. Bateman, the worrisome best friend, was put in the friend zone a long time ago and is apprehensive about the whole thing. She finds the guy with the right stuff and they have a party to celebrate, drinks are had, drugs are taken and just like any good party sperm samples are swapped.

The whole movie drags especially the first act. It takes so long to set the stage and gather that they are best friends and she wants a child. Meanwhile I did it in a sentence.

When we finally meet the kid played by Thomas Robinson the movie picks up. While there is almost zero chemistry between Aniston and Bateman, there is plenty between the Jason and little Tommy. Aniston has been in so many failed romantic comedies you would figure she could learn a thing or two but instead she still has yet to make a genuine connection. The movie fails to distinguish itself from other movies in the genre and just reuses old tools. Bateman rarely gets to unleash his dry wit onto the film, there are moments in the beginning where we see glimpses of it but once the kid enters the scene so does his style.

Jeff Goldblum is a bright spot in the movie, as Bateman's best man he is able to use some of the dry wit that Bateman never gets to unleash. His dry pandering creates some of the only laughable scenes in the movie. Meanwhile Aniston's BFF played by Juliette Lewis is all kinds of annoying, her shriek is almost as annoying as Bateman's narration, almost.

As long as Jen stays in the tabloids she is going to keep getting offers despite the garbage that she keeps attaching herself to. While Aniston may have her name first on the billing, this is a Bateman propelled movie and frankly he has never been able to handle the lead on the big screen. He does great in the ensemble as the straight man and is a solid contributor and second lead but that is it. Both of these actors need to start being much more selective about their roles. D

The ExpEndables

This movie is exactly what I wanted it to be. A bunch of out dated eighties stars killing brown and black people. The worst thing that could have happened to this movie is if it became a social commentary. That is probably the only bullet that gets dodged in this one.

Sly Stallone co-wrote, directs, and stars in a movie about mercenaries for hire. Their newest mission is to stop a South American dictator with a connection to drugs and the CIA, holy god even the headline from this movie is from the Reagan era. The plan is simple go in, set explosives, kill them all. They don't bother with computer imaging or stealthy maneuvers as that type of filmmaking clearly flies over the head of John Rambo. What he does know how to do is kill wave after wave of evil opponents.

Bruce Willis makes a cameo as the man who hires Stallone and his crazy team to take down this government. While Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a cameo within the cameo. Assumidly these men were too busy still being relevant and running a state into the ground respectively. Yet somehow this scene still took six hours to film.

The movie sets the tone early with the first casualty in the flick. From there Stallone and company find plenty of visually fun ways to kill pirates and small armies. At one point in the making of the film they could have achieved a PG-13 rating but Rocky instead decides to keep as many expletives as he deems necessary and gallons of computer generated blood that is purely laughable.

Besides Joseph Dredd, Jason Statham racks up the second most screen time and probably does the best with what he is given. He is one of the few big names that can look forward to new casting rather than poorly made sequels to huge hits. The man is the epitome of cool in this one, he's not afraid to show his softer side as he struggles not only with evil doers but with matters of the heart.

Other members of the team include Jet Li, who pulls together a whole bunch of short jokes and only gets one martial arts scene. Dolph Lungren has an off screen drug problem and can't decide what team he is on. Mickey Rourke, a retired member of the team, offers sage advice on the honor behind the mercenary business. There is also screen fillers Terry Crews, who carries a big gun and throws things, and Randy Couture who speaks on behalf of all of those with cauliflower ear. Opposing these men is character actor Eric Roberts with his kickboxing and wrestling muscle Gary Daniels and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

This movie is not meant to be taken seriously, there are too many laugh out moments for that to be the case. Maybe Sly is getting slicker with age making nods to ideas of the past such as bare knuckle fights and phone with cords attached. But on the other hand maybe this is all he knows and the only thing he was ever good at. C+

Eat, Pray, Love

On paper maybe this movie seems like a better idea. After all it did spend over 155 weeks on the New York Times best seller list. It is fantasy gone right and maybe that is the appeal of the story, we get to live out our desires through another. Bag that, I'd rather go on the trip myself.

Eat, Pray, Love is about Liz Glibert, who for no explicable reason other than not wanting to make cookies, decides to end her marriage. In order to find her balance she goes on a trip across the globe. What is never explained is that the advance she receives pays for her global frolic. Unless we all have people willing to pay for our self indulgent story we may have to be satisfied watching from the stadium seating.

This book has the feel of a Hollywood chick flick, especially the ending. So who better to play the lead role than the star of so many of them? Julia Roberts takes a woman who selfishly leaves her husband and indulges her every whim and makes the character loveable. Roberts still has enormous sex appeal and throughout the movie I couldn't think of a time she looked better. Even with the loud duck like sounds that exit her mouth every time she laughs I still can't help but feel smitten.

While in New York she falls in love with a charming struggling actor whose performance makes people walk out. Who better to cast than James Franco. Surprise surprise, Liz has the same problems with the young guy as she does in her married life. Mike O'Malley and Viola Davis do their best to support our protagonist during this difficult time and their devotion seems genuine. It’s a shame Franco got more screen time than both of them. Well anyway Roberts is tired of it all and decides to run away from all her problems.

Her stay in Italy is the most well done. It may just be easier for Ryan Murphy (co-creator of mega hit Glee) to understand and accentuate this culture more than the others. He has a wonderful segment about Italians talking with their hands and does what is more or less food porn. Do not go to this movie hungry, the most carefully crafted shots in this movie may very well be the shots of food, from the plate of spaghetti, to pizza from Naples, and cheese oozing out of her meal. If that wasn't enough it also comes with a two part thanksgiving dinner. Which is nothing compared to the Del Greco Easter dinner but certainly up there.

The movie then gets bogged down in India where Julia/Liz tries to find her spiritual center and learn the proper way to meditate. Meditation is the action of clearing your mind so it takes a while for anyone to master. Unfortunately that is a lot of screen time devoted to the art of doing nothing which weighs down the 140 minute movie even more. The saving grace of this segment is Richard Jenkins, who plays Richard from Texas, a man who speaks in bumper stickers. His tough treatment and hard life lessons is probably meant to be more endearing in the book, but I liked the character, most likely because I speak fluent asshole.

Then we reach Bali, where she reconnects with the medicine man whose message puts her on this journey in the first place. The toothless medicine man is just as charming as Javier Bardem who is responsible for the love portion of this book.

SPOILER ALERT: AS IN I TALK ABOUT THE ENDING

I really had problems with this relationship as it seems to happen so quick. In the book the words take time to sink in, we can place the book down, let the connections sink in and last a little longer until the next passage. There is no time to let the romance sink in. Also most of the movie is devoted to finding balance for yourself. One of the listed reasons she goes on this trip is she is tired of being identified as part of a relationship. Then in true Hollywood hokum style we see the only way for our Julia Roberts lead to find happiness is through a man. So much for self identification.

SPOILER OVER

The movie in as enjoyable as hearing about a friend’s vacation. All I really wanted to hear was good. Instead I get a story about the most wonderful food ever experienced in a city of unbridled passion, and then a trip to clear my mind of all the clutter that possessed it before, and finally they find a foreign piece of ass with which they had so much sex they started to develop a bladder infection. And then after it all they ask me how is work? Bitch. C

Charlie St. Cloud

Zac Efron is doing all he can to be taken seriously after his High School Musical phase, and he has taken steps in the right direction. Such as Me and Orson Welles which was an under appreciated movie that didn't have a broad appeal. His resume now shows that he can be artsy and bring in the female tween demographic. With Charlie St. Cloud I think he tries to reach a slightly older audience. While he may reach that audience the message he brings is utter shit.

Efron plays a young sailing phenom who seems to have the world at his feet until his brother dies in a car crash. Through the first 15 or so minutes of the movie I just kept asking myself when this kid was gonna get it. While the kid, played by newcomer Charlie Tahan, does an amicable job with the role he probably hitched his horse to the wrong wagon. Don't be surprised if this kid goes the way of short-round, you know without the hit film.

Anyway after the crash Charlie loses it and believes that he can talk to dead people including his brother, they have a standing date to meet everyday at sunset to play catch. After five years presumably the guilt gets old and in walks old rival and new boo Tess. Now he faces the difficult decision of carrying around his guilt or getting his dick wet, tough choice.

The writers for this movie most have been pissed when they found out that Efron only knows how to play sad one way. The cinematographer was able to help fill in the gaps as there are seemingly endless ways to film Efron getting wet and having to take his shirt off.

The movie also features a glimpse of Kim Basinger and Ray Liotta but they do the right thing and get their paychecks and run. Efron will be a Hollywood star to trifle with but not until he starts picking better scripts. D

Inception

Christopher Nolan does it again, and without the need of a giant rubber bat suit. Rather we are privileged to what feels like some of his earlier work in Memento or Following but with the budget of a Batman movie. Nolan takes you through the labyrinth of his mind, and with great relief you come out the other side but with the insatiable urge to go through again.

Open on our hero Dom Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, a thief for hire who can go into your mind while you sleep and extract information. But his next job requires something more, Cobb recruits an incredible ensemble cast to pull off what everyone believes is impossible - Inception.

And that is all I am physically able to say about the plot. Nolan once again creates an intricate world layered upon itself. In normal hands the task may seem daunting but Nolan takes great care in his projects, this particular one about eight years worth of care which shows on the screen.

With a plot so heavy it is easy to get lost in extensive explanation on the rules of this world. Luckily we have Ellen Page as Ariadne, the newbie to the team who is hired to build the dream world. She also serves as a guide to the audience as we travel through the maze of intricate plot points. I know what you must all be thinking, having Nolan name his female lead after the Greek goddess who guided Theseus through the Minotaur's maze in ancient mythology shows little initiative. But I suppose we can give him a pass.

Nolan puts together a great cast including some actors you may remember from his previous movies such as Ken Watanabe, Michael Caine, and Cillian Murphy (Nolan reportedly loves Murphy's eyes and tries to draw attention to them whenever possible). Joseph Gordon-Levitt does great work as Leo's right hand man and provides some stability to Leo's character that is starting to play unhinged so well someone may want to put him on suicide watch. Tom Hardy looked to have the most fun in the movie as the Forger of the group. He has a suave coolness about him that steals every scene. Marion Cotillard plays the fem fatale so well that I'm glad there has been a recent resurgence in the fem fatale character.

The cinematics are dazzling in the movie, the scene that pits Joseph Gordon-Levitt fighting in and around a hotel hallway lives up for the hype seen in the trailer. All the big visual cues that would typically be there just to show off the movie are important to the story. I also always appreciate Nolan a little more due to his minimal use of green screens. Especially in this era of cinematography where a man like James Cameron can create entire worlds, Nolan still prefers using sets and wires to give his films a realer look.

Still some of the visual cues Nolan uses are goofy due to the time differential in the different dream worlds. This effect leaves a van hanging in the air for what could be a legitimate hour of the movie. In the same breath that may be the only way to distinguish just how far down the rabbit hole Nolan takes us.

The movie almost demands second and third viewings. I'm sure I will be inclined to join any of my friends who wish to go again, but I fear the length of the film will get to me a second time around. The movie takes its time getting to the main sequence of the plot, not that there were wasted frames, but rather the audience may get weighed down sifting through so much set up material.

Nolan continues his trend of creating an incredibly intricate plot with a huge payoff at the end. Any actor is lucky to gain access to his world. And the audience is treated to a summer blockbuster that will achieve more than just a huge box office earning. A-

The Last Airbender

Once touted as the next Spielberg, M. Night Shyamalan has fallen from grace and his latest attempt does little to help his street cred. The Last Airbender is a tough watch, but it's even rougher for the older fans of the show. I saw the movie with a buddy, who is a fan of the show, and despite the movie being panned, he was still excited to see the movie, and then it started.

We decided to not shill out the extra cash to see the 3D version as supposedly they were a last minute add-ons to jack up ticket prices. Some of the visual aspects were cool but it seemed like the graphics department had trouble with water and fire as the effects for these two elementals never looked realistic.

There is little left to the imagination on how this movie plays out as every thought and motive is spelled out for you. And in case you miss the emotion the first time, the characters will reiterate their feelings at three more times in the scene. The best line of the whole night actually came from a scientific study later in the evening when many patrons of the local Applebees learned "Atlantic City bathrooms are built to fuck."

The actors seem wildly out of place. It may be due to the poor direction. According to the protesters it's more likely due to the fact the leads are supposed to be of Asian descent and are instead very Caucasian. Noah Ringer does an acceptable job as Aang, the young Avatar lost for a century, who is supposed to bring balance to the world. According to the series he is supposed to be much more playful. Shyamalan does try to pass this trait along to the audience by having his lead actor tell the audience, "I like games." Send this kid to CNN they could use reporters like him. The first time actor does nail the character's feelings of being overwhelmed

The Asian community is not the only one pissed. Indians are also supposedly angry for being cast as the villainous fire nation trying to take over the world using technology. But they should be proud as the only good acting comes from the fire nation. Dev Patel plays Prince Zuko, the yin to Aang's yang. Patel's stint in Slumdog Millionaire serves him well as he is allowed to show off with various emotional traits that come with being disowned by your father. And mutual enemy Commander Zhao played by the daily show's Assif Mandvi also does solid work as a real jerk who does not hold the spirit world in high regard. Maybe not the next Steve Carrel, but as Colbert put it no one close to Carrell thought he would get this big.

The source material contains 20 episodes which Shyamalan tries to squeeze into 108 minutes, lost are some of the finer details which my friend wished Shyamalan decided to share. While I wish there was more story taken out especially the budding romance between the water princess and one of Aang's sidekicks. We are told by the crack shot narration that a bond quickly forms between the two. The romance serves no purpose except for heightened tension towards the climax of the movie which felt rushed anyway.

Nothing in this movie seemed to flow together. And while the movie sets itself up to become a trilogy the other elementals may get dumped, or at the very least find new direction. At least I learned Atlantic City bathrooms are built to fuck. D

Thoughts on the Emmy picks

The Emmy picks are out. For a complete list, well the lists are everywhere, find it yourself. Here are some of my thoughts.

"Friday Night Lights" gets some love as both the adult leads in Kyle Chandler and the seriously hot Connie Britton both get nominated. Unfortunately it doesn't get any for best series or QB 1.

"Modern Family" deserves all the praise in the world and has a serious shot at dethroning "30 Rock." However, Emmy decided not to give any love to the patriarchal figure of Ed O' Neil who has yet to win the award. I think we could have taken out Jesse Tyler Ferguson as Mitchell to put him in the category. I would say have him compete in the lead actor position but I liked that the cast considered themselves a truly ensemble show, which it is.

"Glee" snagged the second most nominations with 19, that is two more than "Mad Men." But does it deserve all the love? I am a regular fan of the show but not because it's all that good, but because it's trashy and addictive (seriously how is "True Blood" nominated for anything). I love the Chris Colfer pick along with his dad Mike O'Malley in the guest spot. The touching acceptance and struggle with Kurt's lifestyle is the best part of the show. Here is Colfer showing off his range vocally and emotionally as he performs his version of Rose's Turn. And don't believe that the same man who hosted GUTS deserves a nomination? Go to the end of the article, check out the video and then tell me that.

"Lost" received 12 nominations for its final season. Good for Matthew Fox and Elizabeth Mitchell, its adorable that Fox now has a reason to show up to this thing.

Team Coco prevails with voters, and rightfully so, as the last 2 weeks or so of Conan's run on The Tonight Show was some of the funniest stuff on television. And lest we forget that the award show will be on NBC this year so that has the potential to be a huge slap in NBC's face. Leno and Letterman are both on the outside looking in as Saturday Night Live also gets in there. Despite not being an election year the show excelled with greatguest hosts. Granted most of the nominations come from episodes featuring Betty White or Tina Fey.

Charlie Sheen really screwed the pooch this year. The show has been nominated the past four years and this year it is left off the list for best comedy. You knew Sheen wouldn't be nominated for best actor but to have the show left off as well is kind of a shocker. I'm actually more surprised that the "Big Bang Theory" wasn't nominated. Critics love this show, I suppose it will have to be enough that Jim Parsons got nominated.

Overall I'm happy with the selections. I wish Cougar Town (bad choice of title ABC) could have got some love. Also I am a huge "Community" fan, most of that ensemble deserves nominations as well. Timothy Olyphant should be on the best actor list for "Justified." FX will never get the love it deserves, just ask "Rescue Me."

What do you think? Did Emmy leave off your favorite show? Feel free to comment cuz I love talking about it.